ouch for fear of spoiling the aesthetic quality of the gift.Thank you Kwok Wah!!!!
(PS sorry, I haven't been able to take a photo, because, my camera charger is still at your place haha. So this is from the company website) xx
2008年3月22日
easter gift
What must I have done in a past life to deserve such amazing cousins and friends? Just as I'm at my lowest ebb they always do something to remind me how lucky I am. I came home today to find a parcel from Kai, one of my Dutch cousins, waiting for me in my kitchen. I got very excited, although it did cross my mind that it could just be my camera charger (which I think I left in Eindhoven when I visited last month) and it could be a massive anti-climax. But it turned out to be a beautiful easter egg, filled with gorgeous looking chocolates that I don't want to t
ouch for fear of spoiling the aesthetic quality of the gift.
Thank you Kwok Wah!!!!
(PS sorry, I haven't been able to take a photo, because, my camera charger is still at your place haha. So this is from the company website) xx
ouch for fear of spoiling the aesthetic quality of the gift.Thank you Kwok Wah!!!!
(PS sorry, I haven't been able to take a photo, because, my camera charger is still at your place haha. So this is from the company website) xx
2008年3月13日
Last day in Oklahoma
How fast times flies! It's already my last day of my research visit to Stillwater, Oklahoma. My flight is at 11am tomorrow morning, which means being ready at 8am, and as usual, I haven't packed my bags yet or sent a postcard to any of my friends or my lab (that will happen tomorrow at the airport). I HAVE remembered to get sweets and biscuits for morning coffee in our department tea-room on Monday (Oreos, naturally), and chocolates for my friends. Not American chocolate, because I do still want them to be my friends for a little longer! I did toy with the idea of buying some of the sugar-free chocolates and toffee that you can get here for a laugh- how can you get sugar-free TOFFEE?! On second thoughts, I don't want to know, though I did take a look at the ingredient list and various kinds of oils feature heavily. That's why the confectionary does come with a disclaimer - it is NOT low-calorie. In fact, the sugar-free chocolate contains much more fat and calories than the non-low-sugar Hershey's peanut butter cups (which, incidentally, also come in a sugar-free form. I dread to think what goes into that). I've missed several of my friends' birthdays in the two weeks that I've been away, but I think I'll do my present shopping at the airport instead, where they might have some nice European or Mexican chocolate.I'm really very glad that I came on this visit. I've learnt a lot, and gained so much in confidence both in my work and in myself. I have the bad habit of burying myself in lots of experimental work when I'm not sure of what to do next, and wasting a lot of time and effort in the process when actually, I need to step back and consider what my aims are. Being here has forced me to step back, take a look at what I've got already, and what I need to do next. Of course, having someone who's willing to go through data analysis methods and experimental design, step-by-step, is a major help! My supervisor in Cambridge is a really great guy, and really knows his stuff, but on statistics and confocal microscopes, he's not so confident. Which is precisely why he's sent me here! Over the last few months my self-confidence, regarding both my work and my own character and sense of self-worth, has taken a lot of buffeting. But right this moment, there's a flow of enthusiasm and energy that seems to be lifting my spirits up and making me eager to face the challenges facing me back in Cambridge - let's hang onto this feeling and make the most of it. I know you will all be happy for me! ^_^
2008年3月11日
Yet another sex scandal
Today's the day of the Mississippi primary but the political spotlight seems to have been usurped by Eliot Spitzer, the governer (for how much longer?) of New York. He's been said to have been hiring prostitutes - at a massive $1000-an-hour - which is all the more ironic given that he investigated prositution cases when he was still New York's attorney general. It's not just a sex scandal case though; it seems likely to escalate into a full-blown investigation of corruption charges and even money laundering.
So how much can we demand to know about the private lives of our politicians? Or indeed, other figures of authority? When I was at high school, the headmaster of one of the schools in our area was nearly forced to resign after copies of Playboy were found in his office drawers. This seemed a little extreme to me, especially since at that particular time a lot of the boys on our school bus were publicly ogling the same sort of magazines. The problem though of course, was that as headmaster as a school, his conduct and moral behaviour would influence not only the reputation of the school, but also all the pupils in that establishment. If a cleaner could find the magazines, what would prevent a student from entering his study and finding them as well? However, knowing a lot of the boys on my bus, they didn't require much 'corruption' in this area and if they did, the older boys were already doing a very good job of it. And to have found the magazines in the headmaster's (normally locked) study, students would have had to be snooping around somewhere they shouldn't have been in the first place.
But this current case, at least in my mind, another matter entirely. Spitzer is refusing to comment on these charges, saying that it is part of his private life, separate from his work and ability to govern. However, Spitzer has based his political reputation on his intentions to stamp out corruption and bring a high standard of ethics to New York politics. This goes down to the issue of trust and whether he can deliver the promises he made to the citizens of New York when he was voted into his post. Using prostitutes is one thing (not that I condone it, but that's a different issue), to cover it up and use state money to arrange these meetings is another.
Not that it's entirely all that surprising to the American political news reporters. It's only been a few years since the governer of New Jersey, James McGreevey, had to step down after having a homosexual affair with his state's head of Homeland Security. Mark Foley had to resign from the House of Representatives in 2006 after he was found to be sending 'sexually explicit' text messages to teenage male interns in the House (which I think is worse). And of course, there was that high-profile case of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky several years ago, when he was still US President. I wonder how long it'll be before that case gets dragged up and used in negative publicity against Hillary Clinton, with this political sex scandal case emerging at such a crucial time in the election process?
Of course, American politicians don't have the monopoly on sex scandals. Plenty of UK MPs have been thrust under the spotlight over the exposure of affairs and the use of prositutes, or indeed, 'rentboys'. The question we have to ask is whether or how much their conduct in their 'private' lives affects their work and standards, and our perspective of them and their suitability as decision-makers for our country. A lot of it depends on the nature of the 'indiscretion', the legality of it (for example, an affair with someone not in the political or business sphere is very different from someone who's a subordinate you've just promoted!), and also how honestly and well the politician deals with it once it comes out under the public eye. In the case of Eliot Spitzer, having built his reputation on the moral high ground, he may find that the higher you rise, the greater the fall.
So how much can we demand to know about the private lives of our politicians? Or indeed, other figures of authority? When I was at high school, the headmaster of one of the schools in our area was nearly forced to resign after copies of Playboy were found in his office drawers. This seemed a little extreme to me, especially since at that particular time a lot of the boys on our school bus were publicly ogling the same sort of magazines. The problem though of course, was that as headmaster as a school, his conduct and moral behaviour would influence not only the reputation of the school, but also all the pupils in that establishment. If a cleaner could find the magazines, what would prevent a student from entering his study and finding them as well? However, knowing a lot of the boys on my bus, they didn't require much 'corruption' in this area and if they did, the older boys were already doing a very good job of it. And to have found the magazines in the headmaster's (normally locked) study, students would have had to be snooping around somewhere they shouldn't have been in the first place.
But this current case, at least in my mind, another matter entirely. Spitzer is refusing to comment on these charges, saying that it is part of his private life, separate from his work and ability to govern. However, Spitzer has based his political reputation on his intentions to stamp out corruption and bring a high standard of ethics to New York politics. This goes down to the issue of trust and whether he can deliver the promises he made to the citizens of New York when he was voted into his post. Using prostitutes is one thing (not that I condone it, but that's a different issue), to cover it up and use state money to arrange these meetings is another.
Not that it's entirely all that surprising to the American political news reporters. It's only been a few years since the governer of New Jersey, James McGreevey, had to step down after having a homosexual affair with his state's head of Homeland Security. Mark Foley had to resign from the House of Representatives in 2006 after he was found to be sending 'sexually explicit' text messages to teenage male interns in the House (which I think is worse). And of course, there was that high-profile case of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky several years ago, when he was still US President. I wonder how long it'll be before that case gets dragged up and used in negative publicity against Hillary Clinton, with this political sex scandal case emerging at such a crucial time in the election process?
Of course, American politicians don't have the monopoly on sex scandals. Plenty of UK MPs have been thrust under the spotlight over the exposure of affairs and the use of prositutes, or indeed, 'rentboys'. The question we have to ask is whether or how much their conduct in their 'private' lives affects their work and standards, and our perspective of them and their suitability as decision-makers for our country. A lot of it depends on the nature of the 'indiscretion', the legality of it (for example, an affair with someone not in the political or business sphere is very different from someone who's a subordinate you've just promoted!), and also how honestly and well the politician deals with it once it comes out under the public eye. In the case of Eliot Spitzer, having built his reputation on the moral high ground, he may find that the higher you rise, the greater the fall.
2008年3月10日
Politics do get dirty. Why act surprised?
A few days ago, I mentioned that I thought the American Democratic candidate race, although close-run and very competitive, was still fairly civil. Yes, there has been a lot of canvassing, and a lot of playing each other off, but on the whole it wasn't TOO dirty, at least not by historic standards.
As soon as those words streamed from my fingertips onto the screen, it appears that the going has just got dirtier. All the negative publicity against Obama that Clinton harnessed; how one of Obama's close aides allegedly told Canadian officials that Obama's campaigning on negotiation of trade agreements was just for campaign purposes; the trial of one of his early patrons for corruption and money laundering; the doubts cast into voters' minds about the experience and ability of Obama as a President - these worked in her favour last week and it seems that she is keen to carry on in this vein.
But politics has always been dirty - at least, I've always thought so. The battle for the power and control of the country, and for the right to speak as a world leader, on an international platform; these are high stakes, so of course the competition will be fierce. The question is - who will prevail, and how far can they go without alienating their supporters OR their rival's supporters when it comes to the General Elections? Barack Obama has his hands half-tied at this stage, he's made a big point of wanting to be 'a different type of politician', one who doesn't resort to the political lecturn's equivalent of a no-holds-barred, fists bared, street fight that we've seen so often in the world of politics. However, if he can hold his ground and deflect these attacks with dignity and confidence, it will be a real demonstration of his strength of character and ability to deal with problems.
It appears though that the Democratic party leaders are already thinking of damage limitation when this is all done and dusted and the Presidential candidate is finally elected. They're currently corresponding with both Clinton and Obama to consider collaboration of the two rival campaigns when the primaries are finally over. I still think it's possible. After all, they haven't resorted to setting up the assassination of either their rival or themselves, and they haven't throw tables at each other. Not yet.
As soon as those words streamed from my fingertips onto the screen, it appears that the going has just got dirtier. All the negative publicity against Obama that Clinton harnessed; how one of Obama's close aides allegedly told Canadian officials that Obama's campaigning on negotiation of trade agreements was just for campaign purposes; the trial of one of his early patrons for corruption and money laundering; the doubts cast into voters' minds about the experience and ability of Obama as a President - these worked in her favour last week and it seems that she is keen to carry on in this vein.
But politics has always been dirty - at least, I've always thought so. The battle for the power and control of the country, and for the right to speak as a world leader, on an international platform; these are high stakes, so of course the competition will be fierce. The question is - who will prevail, and how far can they go without alienating their supporters OR their rival's supporters when it comes to the General Elections? Barack Obama has his hands half-tied at this stage, he's made a big point of wanting to be 'a different type of politician', one who doesn't resort to the political lecturn's equivalent of a no-holds-barred, fists bared, street fight that we've seen so often in the world of politics. However, if he can hold his ground and deflect these attacks with dignity and confidence, it will be a real demonstration of his strength of character and ability to deal with problems.
It appears though that the Democratic party leaders are already thinking of damage limitation when this is all done and dusted and the Presidential candidate is finally elected. They're currently corresponding with both Clinton and Obama to consider collaboration of the two rival campaigns when the primaries are finally over. I still think it's possible. After all, they haven't resorted to setting up the assassination of either their rival or themselves, and they haven't throw tables at each other. Not yet.
2008年3月6日
Blogging and singledom
Just a random observation - after flicking through my friends' blogs, I've noticed a general common denominator. All who update their blog regularly are currently single. Now, I hesistant to draw a link between the status of blogger and singledom, but I guess those of us who are single might have more time to spend on the computer typing and less time fixing the latest hole in the 'wok'. Also, blogging is a way to make our thoughts known about issues that are bugging or interesting us at the current moment. There's only so many random emails you can type to your friends (even bestest friends) without generating a reputation of strangeness for yourself. Having said that, most of my good friends (and several of my undergraduate students as well) already know that I make random observations about almost anything, and have heard me rant on at various times on issues I care about. What else are friends for?
You can blog about anything, your views, your day, people who annoy you, be as random as you like. Other people can either choose to read an entry or or ignore it, and they don't feel obliged to think of something appropriate to say in return. But if you want an opinion you might also get one. Simple therapy without the hefty bill at the end! However, as part of a couple, your partner might be the one you call or email everytime you think of something you want to chat about (and if they have too many opinions you're not happy with they may no longer be the other half of your couple). Maybe that's why my single friends are bloggers, but not many of my attached friends.
And of course, if you're in a relationship, you may not want them to read about everything you think of in the day. Unless you don't let them know you keep a blog. Or you're training to be a diplomat, in which case it'll make for good practice.
You can blog about anything, your views, your day, people who annoy you, be as random as you like. Other people can either choose to read an entry or or ignore it, and they don't feel obliged to think of something appropriate to say in return. But if you want an opinion you might also get one. Simple therapy without the hefty bill at the end! However, as part of a couple, your partner might be the one you call or email everytime you think of something you want to chat about (and if they have too many opinions you're not happy with they may no longer be the other half of your couple). Maybe that's why my single friends are bloggers, but not many of my attached friends.
And of course, if you're in a relationship, you may not want them to read about everything you think of in the day. Unless you don't let them know you keep a blog. Or you're training to be a diplomat, in which case it'll make for good practice.
2008年3月5日
Primary elections
It would be impossible to spend time in the US without being aware of the primary elections going on around the country now. When I turned on the TV on Monday night there were 5 channels discussing the US politics, and another 2 news channels that were mainly covering the election run-up to the voting in Texas and Ohio yesterday.
I have to confess, I spent over 3 hours last night watching CNN as it broadcast the live updates on the vote counting in those states - it was better than any soap opera! The numbers were amazingly close, when I first turned on the box it was 49% : 50% of the counted votes going to Clinton : Obama in the Texas primaries. A few minutes later it had shifted to 49% : 49%. The tension was enhanced by the advert breaks that occured every 10 minutes, very much like how they broadcast dramas and action films on Channel 5 in the UK!
Of course much of the focus was on the race between the Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, as the Republican candidate McCain had more or less already won his party's nomination (which by the end of the night he had). In my case, I know a lot more about the American Presidential candidates, especially after these last few days in the US, than I know about the Members of Parliament in England. The political policies and the MPs themselves that are discussed in the run-up to the general elections generally seem quite similar to me, and more middle-ground. I know I don't pay enough attention to politics, but it seems to me that part of the reason why the American Presidential race has caught so much attention is that the Democratic candidates are so different from the typical upper-middle class white male. There's an excitment that even I, as a non-American, can sense when the politics are being discussed, and the feeling that the US might be ready for a big change. Granted, we have had Margaret Thatcher (though most of my generation is too young to remember Britain when she was PM) and the UK politicans seem to be getting younger, and less distant from our generation of voters. In England, we perhaps need a 'youth vote push' similar to that being driven on the other side of the Atlantic. Many of my peers are not so aware of any major differences between our political parties, and I have to confess that I myself have only voted once in any election (I'm only 23!).
Last night, when half of the votes in Ohio had been counted, the Clinton supporters were already celebrating (Clinton had 57% of the votes), which made me wonder what would happen if Obama won after all! But what did strike me when Hillary Clinton came out and made a speech, is the sheer energy and enthusiasm that was present, not only in her, but in the supporters around her. A similar aura was present when Barack Obama spoke in front of his supporters, but oddly, although I could sense the charisma that Obama clearly has, I don't feel quite the same conviction and confident strength I sense from Hillary Clinton. But of course, different people will differ from my view, which is clearly evident from the way the country appears to be split in their voting for these two candidates!
What makes me wonder is, how will they work together when the Democratic Presidential candidate has been chosen as one of them, and the other has to step down gracefully? Although at the moment I agree that there doesn't seem to be any bad blood as such, and no personal feelings hurt, it looks like the race is getting dirty. But maybe they will be professional enough to put aside their differences in the end. After all, they must remember that they are in the same party, when all is said and done.
PS - For those of you who are interested, but haven't checked yet, Clinton DID win Ohio, with 54% to Obama's 44% of the votes. And she won Texas with 51% to 48% for Obama. This should be an interesting few months....
I have to confess, I spent over 3 hours last night watching CNN as it broadcast the live updates on the vote counting in those states - it was better than any soap opera! The numbers were amazingly close, when I first turned on the box it was 49% : 50% of the counted votes going to Clinton : Obama in the Texas primaries. A few minutes later it had shifted to 49% : 49%. The tension was enhanced by the advert breaks that occured every 10 minutes, very much like how they broadcast dramas and action films on Channel 5 in the UK!
Of course much of the focus was on the race between the Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, as the Republican candidate McCain had more or less already won his party's nomination (which by the end of the night he had). In my case, I know a lot more about the American Presidential candidates, especially after these last few days in the US, than I know about the Members of Parliament in England. The political policies and the MPs themselves that are discussed in the run-up to the general elections generally seem quite similar to me, and more middle-ground. I know I don't pay enough attention to politics, but it seems to me that part of the reason why the American Presidential race has caught so much attention is that the Democratic candidates are so different from the typical upper-middle class white male. There's an excitment that even I, as a non-American, can sense when the politics are being discussed, and the feeling that the US might be ready for a big change. Granted, we have had Margaret Thatcher (though most of my generation is too young to remember Britain when she was PM) and the UK politicans seem to be getting younger, and less distant from our generation of voters. In England, we perhaps need a 'youth vote push' similar to that being driven on the other side of the Atlantic. Many of my peers are not so aware of any major differences between our political parties, and I have to confess that I myself have only voted once in any election (I'm only 23!).
Last night, when half of the votes in Ohio had been counted, the Clinton supporters were already celebrating (Clinton had 57% of the votes), which made me wonder what would happen if Obama won after all! But what did strike me when Hillary Clinton came out and made a speech, is the sheer energy and enthusiasm that was present, not only in her, but in the supporters around her. A similar aura was present when Barack Obama spoke in front of his supporters, but oddly, although I could sense the charisma that Obama clearly has, I don't feel quite the same conviction and confident strength I sense from Hillary Clinton. But of course, different people will differ from my view, which is clearly evident from the way the country appears to be split in their voting for these two candidates!
What makes me wonder is, how will they work together when the Democratic Presidential candidate has been chosen as one of them, and the other has to step down gracefully? Although at the moment I agree that there doesn't seem to be any bad blood as such, and no personal feelings hurt, it looks like the race is getting dirty. But maybe they will be professional enough to put aside their differences in the end. After all, they must remember that they are in the same party, when all is said and done.
PS - For those of you who are interested, but haven't checked yet, Clinton DID win Ohio, with 54% to Obama's 44% of the votes. And she won Texas with 51% to 48% for Obama. This should be an interesting few months....
2008年3月3日
Corridors and Thunderstorms
Yesterday was quite a surreal day. Firstly, as I complained yesterday in my post, I didn't manage to utter a single word to anyone. I spent the day wandering around the empty department, trying to work out where things were. There's something liberating about having a building almost entirely to oneself. When I got back to halls, I did the same there again. A partial reason for the desertedness of Scott Hall then became apparent when I found that the second floor was actually a geography teaching department which appeared to have been hidden away here with no external signposts that I could see. Third floor was partly the 'Department of Corrections' whilst fourth- and fifth-floor were made up of residential rooms (I'm on fourth) - but none of them had any names or posters on the door. I had the most surreal feeling as I poked around, as if I were the only person in existance at that particular time and place.
I wonder, does a large part of our being rely on our interactions with other people? Maybe to some extent we define ourselves by how we communicate and coexist with other creatures - if not humans, then at least other living creatures. For me, my day with no communication with anything living other than my plants and two goldfish certainly took on an almost unreal feeling, as if I was existing in some sort of purgatory dreamstate. Normally, if I were to wander around a deserted place, I would feel spooked. Instead I felt very detached, like a spectator in the lives of the people who live and work here normally, and I was only passing through studying things frozen at a particular moment in time.
The surreal quality of the day continued into the evening. As I sat in my room at my computer, I glimpsed flashes of purple light out of the window. When I looked out, I saw what seemed like a spectacular storm to me, though maybe it was just a normal small storm here. On a weird impulse I grabbed my coat and shoes (but forgot the socks) and ran down the stairs and outside into the rain. I've never seen a storm with so much lightning, which lit up the sky in all shades of purple. The feel of the rain (I had my hood on, I'm a wuss) and the sounds of the rolling thunder was absolutely exhilarating! I did see other people, one group trying to make a dash to their car but ended up beating a hasty retreat back inside, amidst much squealing and losing their battle to close their umbrella. I wonder how I looked to them, standing outside in the rain, or maybe I realy wasn't visible to them, still in my onlooker mode.
I still didn't manage to say anything to anyone all day.
I wonder, does a large part of our being rely on our interactions with other people? Maybe to some extent we define ourselves by how we communicate and coexist with other creatures - if not humans, then at least other living creatures. For me, my day with no communication with anything living other than my plants and two goldfish certainly took on an almost unreal feeling, as if I was existing in some sort of purgatory dreamstate. Normally, if I were to wander around a deserted place, I would feel spooked. Instead I felt very detached, like a spectator in the lives of the people who live and work here normally, and I was only passing through studying things frozen at a particular moment in time.
The surreal quality of the day continued into the evening. As I sat in my room at my computer, I glimpsed flashes of purple light out of the window. When I looked out, I saw what seemed like a spectacular storm to me, though maybe it was just a normal small storm here. On a weird impulse I grabbed my coat and shoes (but forgot the socks) and ran down the stairs and outside into the rain. I've never seen a storm with so much lightning, which lit up the sky in all shades of purple. The feel of the rain (I had my hood on, I'm a wuss) and the sounds of the rolling thunder was absolutely exhilarating! I did see other people, one group trying to make a dash to their car but ended up beating a hasty retreat back inside, amidst much squealing and losing their battle to close their umbrella. I wonder how I looked to them, standing outside in the rain, or maybe I realy wasn't visible to them, still in my onlooker mode.
I still didn't manage to say anything to anyone all day.
2008年3月2日
Awareness of happiness
This is my first blog entry, so I'm quite excited! Actually, I've been thinking on and off about creating a blog for a while, but somehow I've never quite got around to it. It's the same with diaries, I've kept one sporadically for years and years, but always in short bursts of emotion and then forgot about keeping it up.
Which brings me onto the title I decided to give my blog spot. I've had lots of conversations lately with some of my closest friends about the subject of happiness. Human beings have an amazing ability to adjust and adapt - which is brought home to us when we see photos of starving children in Africa able to smile and laugh, and when we see people picking up their lives again after disasters like tsunamis and severe flooding. It's significant that we can put the latest news on Paris Hilton and Britany Spears alongside news articles about deaths in attacks in Iraq and Afghanistan, next to murder trials in the UK. But perhaps this is a blessing.
What is more sad is that we also fail to recognise happiness when we experience it. Have you ever been told to 'count your blessings' as a child? But I always found that rather than making me happy and grateful, often I just felt guilty and vaguely resentful (I could be a rather DIFFICULT child). But do most people only realise that they were HAPPY at a particular point in time respectively? Maybe we should stand back and take stock, before the music stops and it's too late.
I've been lucky enough to experience happiness and known that I was happy at the time, without alloying it with fears. This was in the fifth year of my relationship with my (now-ex) boyfriend. Why only in the fifth year I wonder? Considering it now, I realise that I'd always held back a little of myself from our relationship. I loved him a lot, but I wasn't able to put all my hopes and confidence into any relationship. Confidence in him, or in myself? I'm still not sure. But then for some reason, without discussing it but both at the same time, we decided to try letting go of all our fears, to free-fall into our relationship and not worry or even care about what came next. And that was the most amazing, most perfectly happy, summer in my life. Even more so than any in my happy childhood (I was much-loved) because then, I took it all for granted in the way only children who have never know anything else do.
Not long after that, my boyfriend, who is Malaysian Chinese but worked in the UK, decided to move back to Malaysia and try and build his future there. Our new-found confidence in ourselves and each other meant that we thought it would work. Unfortunately, as he's now my ex-boyfriend, it didn't. This was the very scenerio I had been afraid of and part of the reason why I had always held back from loving him completely. But strangely, although the heartache was immense (and I never knew before that you can really feel your heart break), I'm still glad that I've experienced this love that ultimately caused me so much pain.
I think most people are afraid of loving too deeply, of trusting too much, because then we lay ourselves and our hearts open to hurt. But at the same time we are attracted to people who are loving and open. A few of my friends are like that, they love deeply and are hurt often as a consequence, but they are emotionally so enriched. Not to say that everyone should or can be like that, because with deep happiness comes deep sadness and pain, but I love them for being so.
Well, that's a dramatically long-winded explanation of why I've chosen my blog title! But I believe to be aware of happiness is a real blessing, and one that is difficult to cultivate. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could cultivate this awareness though, and set it growing in everyone's minds?
Which brings me onto the title I decided to give my blog spot. I've had lots of conversations lately with some of my closest friends about the subject of happiness. Human beings have an amazing ability to adjust and adapt - which is brought home to us when we see photos of starving children in Africa able to smile and laugh, and when we see people picking up their lives again after disasters like tsunamis and severe flooding. It's significant that we can put the latest news on Paris Hilton and Britany Spears alongside news articles about deaths in attacks in Iraq and Afghanistan, next to murder trials in the UK. But perhaps this is a blessing.
What is more sad is that we also fail to recognise happiness when we experience it. Have you ever been told to 'count your blessings' as a child? But I always found that rather than making me happy and grateful, often I just felt guilty and vaguely resentful (I could be a rather DIFFICULT child). But do most people only realise that they were HAPPY at a particular point in time respectively? Maybe we should stand back and take stock, before the music stops and it's too late.
I've been lucky enough to experience happiness and known that I was happy at the time, without alloying it with fears. This was in the fifth year of my relationship with my (now-ex) boyfriend. Why only in the fifth year I wonder? Considering it now, I realise that I'd always held back a little of myself from our relationship. I loved him a lot, but I wasn't able to put all my hopes and confidence into any relationship. Confidence in him, or in myself? I'm still not sure. But then for some reason, without discussing it but both at the same time, we decided to try letting go of all our fears, to free-fall into our relationship and not worry or even care about what came next. And that was the most amazing, most perfectly happy, summer in my life. Even more so than any in my happy childhood (I was much-loved) because then, I took it all for granted in the way only children who have never know anything else do.
Not long after that, my boyfriend, who is Malaysian Chinese but worked in the UK, decided to move back to Malaysia and try and build his future there. Our new-found confidence in ourselves and each other meant that we thought it would work. Unfortunately, as he's now my ex-boyfriend, it didn't. This was the very scenerio I had been afraid of and part of the reason why I had always held back from loving him completely. But strangely, although the heartache was immense (and I never knew before that you can really feel your heart break), I'm still glad that I've experienced this love that ultimately caused me so much pain.
I think most people are afraid of loving too deeply, of trusting too much, because then we lay ourselves and our hearts open to hurt. But at the same time we are attracted to people who are loving and open. A few of my friends are like that, they love deeply and are hurt often as a consequence, but they are emotionally so enriched. Not to say that everyone should or can be like that, because with deep happiness comes deep sadness and pain, but I love them for being so.
Well, that's a dramatically long-winded explanation of why I've chosen my blog title! But I believe to be aware of happiness is a real blessing, and one that is difficult to cultivate. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could cultivate this awareness though, and set it growing in everyone's minds?
On Americans...
Hmm, is it just me, or does everyone have the urge to post several entries at once when they first start blogging? Maybe it's because we have a lot we want to say. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm currently on my own in Oklahoma, USA and haven't managed to speak a word to anyone all day. I've smiled at two people mind, but no words have come out yet.
To elaborate, I'm currently visiting a lab at Oklahoma State University in the 'little' town of Stillwater. Notice the 'little' in inverted commas. Nothing that I've seen in the US is little. From the way the buildings sprawl over the landscape to the king-size tubs of ice-cream in the Wal-Mart. Or maybe emperor-sized. I've never seen such large tubs of ice-cream outside wholesale retailers in the UK. The department I'm visiting is Entomology and Plant Pathology, as I'm a PhD student in Plant Virology. It's a big building, but due to the nature of the research, everyone is either doing fieldwork somewhere or hiding in the labs. So it feels a little like walking through a school during the summer holidays when I wander through the corridors. It took me half an hour to find the ice machines.
The people here however are really friendly, really wonderful. Take Star, who works in the lab I'm visiting. I arrived in the lab on 29th Feb, Friday morning. He promptly rang his wife at lunch-time to check if he could invite me to their house for dinner that night, bearing in mind I still didn't know where anything was, and didn't know where to go grocery shopping. Which isn't normally a problem in towns in Europe. You just go for a wander around the town and you find some sort of convenience store. Not so here, where you could get hopelessly lost trying to find the exit to the campus. Anyway, his wife said yes, and so that was that. Star even left his bike and walked the 30 minute walk to his house with me, as I would never have found it otherwise.
The American and Canadian children that I've met seem to be more confident than their English counterparts. At least, that's the impression I have from my limited exposure to North American kids. I know lots of confident, happy, English children, but they usually take a while to get used to people they don't know well, especially adults. They don't usually leap around and do a little dance for the benefit of their parents' friends less than a minute after they've met them. Which is what Julia, Star's daughter, did when I appeared at their house. Perhaps I'm used to 'English reserve'.
Julia is a great kid, very confident, very obviously much-loved, and sometimes a little demanding. The brilliant thing is that she's not a spoilt brat either. There was a considerateness and maturity that seems quite special in a girl of maybe seven years old. In between the cheekiness and high spiritedness.
However, today is Sunday, and as I have no internet in my room, I'm in the lab. Quiet. Literally not even a mouse. There are two goldfish in a tank if I walk down the stairs and along the corridor, but they didn't respond when I tried to strike up a conversation. I haven't seen anyone around my accommodation either, despite deliberately choosing university halls so there would be other students about. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. But I don't feel quite confident enough to walk into the lobbies of the other halls and talk to random people. Perhaps it's my Englishness coming through there. But tomorrow's Monday, so I know I'll see other people. I'll have to be careful not to be hyperactive, as is my wont when I've been on my own for a while, otherwise I might scare them all off.
But then again, perhaps it's what they're used to in this part of the world?
To elaborate, I'm currently visiting a lab at Oklahoma State University in the 'little' town of Stillwater. Notice the 'little' in inverted commas. Nothing that I've seen in the US is little. From the way the buildings sprawl over the landscape to the king-size tubs of ice-cream in the Wal-Mart. Or maybe emperor-sized. I've never seen such large tubs of ice-cream outside wholesale retailers in the UK. The department I'm visiting is Entomology and Plant Pathology, as I'm a PhD student in Plant Virology. It's a big building, but due to the nature of the research, everyone is either doing fieldwork somewhere or hiding in the labs. So it feels a little like walking through a school during the summer holidays when I wander through the corridors. It took me half an hour to find the ice machines.
The people here however are really friendly, really wonderful. Take Star, who works in the lab I'm visiting. I arrived in the lab on 29th Feb, Friday morning. He promptly rang his wife at lunch-time to check if he could invite me to their house for dinner that night, bearing in mind I still didn't know where anything was, and didn't know where to go grocery shopping. Which isn't normally a problem in towns in Europe. You just go for a wander around the town and you find some sort of convenience store. Not so here, where you could get hopelessly lost trying to find the exit to the campus. Anyway, his wife said yes, and so that was that. Star even left his bike and walked the 30 minute walk to his house with me, as I would never have found it otherwise.
The American and Canadian children that I've met seem to be more confident than their English counterparts. At least, that's the impression I have from my limited exposure to North American kids. I know lots of confident, happy, English children, but they usually take a while to get used to people they don't know well, especially adults. They don't usually leap around and do a little dance for the benefit of their parents' friends less than a minute after they've met them. Which is what Julia, Star's daughter, did when I appeared at their house. Perhaps I'm used to 'English reserve'.
Julia is a great kid, very confident, very obviously much-loved, and sometimes a little demanding. The brilliant thing is that she's not a spoilt brat either. There was a considerateness and maturity that seems quite special in a girl of maybe seven years old. In between the cheekiness and high spiritedness.
However, today is Sunday, and as I have no internet in my room, I'm in the lab. Quiet. Literally not even a mouse. There are two goldfish in a tank if I walk down the stairs and along the corridor, but they didn't respond when I tried to strike up a conversation. I haven't seen anyone around my accommodation either, despite deliberately choosing university halls so there would be other students about. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. But I don't feel quite confident enough to walk into the lobbies of the other halls and talk to random people. Perhaps it's my Englishness coming through there. But tomorrow's Monday, so I know I'll see other people. I'll have to be careful not to be hyperactive, as is my wont when I've been on my own for a while, otherwise I might scare them all off.
But then again, perhaps it's what they're used to in this part of the world?
訂閱：
文章 (Atom)