I told you it would be random.....

I read somewhere that sometimes, our early loves are those whom we sense to be the other halves of us, who complete us and fill a void within us. Before meeting them, we may not have known that that void was there but once we know it, we feel as if something is missing from everything we do when or if that person is gone. But when we mature and grow more confident in ourselves, we find loves with whom we can be complete people in our own right, not just half of a whole.

I think that a healthy relationship is one that brings out the best qualities in both parties, one where both can grow and change without growing apart. If it gets stuck at one stage and becomes stagnant, one day you might wake up and realise that you’ve stopped looking at the other person as a person in their own right, with their own ambitions and dreams, with their own struggles and needs. Maybe the person you thought they were no longer exists, if they ever did. We all try to change other people, it is much harder to accept them and love them just as they are.

Sometimes, love isn’t enough. Some may argue that if you love each other enough you can overcome anything. That could be true, but it is easier to say than do. Love alone isn’t enough. You need courage, faith and trust, not only in the other person but in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself and in your own worth, how can you trust the other person will love you enough to overcome obstacles for your sake?

I think that before you can love properly you need to love to love youself. Once you’ve accepted your own shortcomings, you might be more tolerant of flaws in other people.

To love or to be loved?

A female Chinese professor has recently come to visit our lab for six months. The other day, we had an interesting conversation (in my halting Mandarin) on the subject of marriage. She told me that when she was young she was considered a beauty and was quite sought after by boys in her university. So people were surprised when she turned down all the best-looking suitors and married a very plain-looking man instead.

Her reason for doing this was because her husband considered himself lucky to have won her, and loved her very much, although she didn't love him. They have a twenty-year old son, and I asked whether after all these years, she had grown to love her husband. She replied very decisively 'No, I have never loved him. But he loves me very much and treats me very well, so I'm happy.'

Who knows what is the right or wrong way to find happiness? In a way, I understand. To love someone is to be vulnerable to being betrayed and hurt. Being with someone who loves you more than you love them gives you security. I think in generations past, when it was more of a stigma to divorce, and people defined women mostly as wives, mothers, grandmothers, women would get married and be expected to stay married, regardless of how they were treated. In such circumstances, happiness may have been a more co-incidental thing. Marrying someone who loved you more gave you more power and security in a society where women had very little power.

In the present day, I think we (men and women) have learnt to demand more. Or maybe, we are more confident about admitting discontentment and not worrying about seeming ungrateful for what we have than our older generations were. Certainly, women have more rights and much more choice than we used to in many parts of the world.

Is that why being with someone I don't love seems so unpalatable to me? I have friends (actually, mostly male) who seem to be looking for partners without appearing to consider love. Or is it that they are too shy to admit that they are looking for love? I think that my mother, although she wishes me to find love, secretly thinks that if I end up with someone who loves me, then that will be enough for my happiness. But I think that in her mind, if I marry someone who loves me more, then in the end I will grow to love them too.

Perhaps this is true in a way. I believe that if both people in an arranged marriage trust that this is the best way to find a partner, then they will grow to love each other and be happy together. I also know that love is gradual, you learn to love someone a little and it grows over time.

And yet.... to know someone loves me more than I love them, means that I would always feel guilty or uncomfortable to accept the things they do for me. A relationship should be about balance and compromise. If the balance of giving and receiving is skewed to one side then it is difficult to maintain it. But who can gauge who is the greater giver or recipient? Being able to give your loved ones happiness is in itself a gift to the giver.

Love is more simple than we think. But it is also more complicated than we think.

the next generation

I just found out that my oldest friend is pregnant! And not just pregnant, but 8 months pregnant! How come it's been so long since I last talked to her? We have communicated by sms, but that bit of news was omitted....

Wow. I still remember having sleepovers at her house with the clown nightlight in her room so it wouldn't be completely dark - and being more scared of the clown when I needed to get up in the middle of the night. I babysat her tamagochi and her guinea-pig when she went on holiday to spain. I remember being mildly grossed out when we found out she was going to have a little brother (we were ten years old by then and thought our parents were ancient). I remember when that little brother was in a cot. And now she has a cot in her room for her own baby.

She says it's payback time for her brother - after all those years of babysitting him, he has to babysit for her now. He's only 14 though, so it might be another 2 years before he's legally allowed to babysit for her on his own.

I have other friends who have had babies, and the number of children belonging to my generation of my family seems to grow at an alarming rate. But somehow this is harder to take in. Perhaps it's because I only have a month to get used to the idea before the bump turns into an actual baby, or perhaps it's because I remember being seven years old with my friend. And the screams she made when we cycled into a (parked) car and scraped her knee. She didn't scream when she actually scraped it - she screamed because the antiseptic her mum put on stung so much.

But I think I'm looking forward to being back in manchester and saying hi to the new arrival. Perhaps I can teach him/her all the naughty tricks we did then?

silver linings

These last few weeks have been rather rough. Apart from everything else, I've been disappointed and saddened by some of my friends.

But despite that, or maybe because of it, I've come to realise that sometimes old cliches are true, and that there often really is a silver lining if you look hard enough. I've found out how many faithful friends I also have, those who have rallied to my defence and listened patiently to my long-winded rants. Somehow, when I see someone become angrier and more defensive than I am myself on my behalf, I feel better for their concern. A pushover I may be, but I am a much-loved pushover. ^_^

It's true that it is only in the face of adversity that you learn who your true friends are. Sometimes they are close confidantes, but you can also be surprised at how many friends you have amongst those you thought were 'only' acquaintances and colleagues.

When strangers rally to the aid of those affected by natural disasters, or work together to rebuild lives, of course we wish that the clouds were not there in the first place, but the silver lining shines out clear and true. How lucky it was that hope was left in Pandora's box. If we weather the storm, maybe there will be clear skies waiting for us on the other side. In the meantime, at least we know we have friends and kind-hearted souls to keep us company.