only to moan

I haven't posted anything for quite a while, as I'm sure you're aware. There's been a lot to do, and with no internet at home, there never seems to be a time where I can sit down and collect my thoughts together for a post. A lot of things have come and gone, but by the time I get a chance to sit in front of the computer and type about it, the timeliness, or the urge to discuss it and find the right words to do so, has gone.

These last few months have been mostly busy, and mostly happy, when I've managed to think about whether I am happy or not. Right now though, I sense that I'm starting to burn out, and things seem to be crowding in on me. I'm still a little lonely, away from my older friends and no chance to see much of my family this year. The good side is that there are several people now at work I'm getting to know better, though it's hard to find a day/evening when we can just get together and talk and laugh and drink a little. Unfortunately, some of my other friends are having relationship and family problems, and I'm finding it a struggle to drench up enough energy and support them, over long phone conversations that are cutting into my sleeping time. I feel a bit bad for feeling it's a struggle, but it's becoming very emotionally draining, especially since I can't seem to help them, and I'm listening to them going round and round in circles.

And sometimes I do feel as if I am more someone to talk AT and my input is not really needed. But isn't that what everyone wants really, just someone to listen to them?

I find that as I get older, I'm drawn more and more towards female friends. I have always had more male friends than female friends, generally because I found male friends more straight-forward, I didn't need to decipher their moods or their meaning. If they were annoyed at me, they told me, if they were pleased to see me, they showed it. I disliked the possibility of being forced to take sides if my female friends had an argument, or the petty bitching that teenage, not-yet-confident, girls could show.

As I grow older and the world seems more complex to me, and I no longer find it possible to see things in shades of black and white, I find more affinity to women friends, those who also see shades of grey and show more tolerance of things they don't quite understand or are unfamiliar with. The black and whiteness, the quick anger and intolerance of some (I hasten to add, only some) of my male friends wear me down sometimes. They are often right in their opinions and in their anger, but right in the sense that they are not wrong. And they hold fast to this righteousness and are unhappy with it, believing they have been wronged. If they were happy in their righteousness, or even unhappy but accepting, then I would not say a word. But to be unhappy and to ask my opinion yet be annoyed when I give them my true opinion and it differs from theirs..... I guess they don't expect me to not agree with them because they are certain of themselves.

One day, I will sit down and record all the phrases I might be expected to say in a conversation and just leave it running on a tape next to the phone whilst I do something more soothing.

For now, I will stop my rants and think of something more amusing/entertaining/light-hearted for my next post!

Sorry folks, thanks for your patience if you've managed to read this far. I think I do understand why I get so many late night calls and am only talked AT - a monologue can be soothing sometimes too.